Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
