A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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