if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
