is your mom at the bar?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
