I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
