it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
