I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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