so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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