I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
