just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
