I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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