Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
