is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
