yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
