you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
