Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
