Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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