my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
