I accidentally had phone sex last night
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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