On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
