dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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