I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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