New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
