By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
