I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
