we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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