Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I will pee on everything he values.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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