All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
