I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
birth control should be required to get into college
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
All the doctor said was why
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
