I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
it glows. i had to have it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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