I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
