I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
