Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
