So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
