Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Less talking, more tequila
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Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
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Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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