I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
