how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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