I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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