I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
