I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
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I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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