my room smells like sperm. sweet.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You don't make any sense
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