The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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