im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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