Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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