Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
