we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
