Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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