Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
