I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
