OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
