Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
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