What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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