Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
