just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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