woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
