i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
