she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
