Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
