my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I love having hate sex.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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