hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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