Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
My vagina just recognized that song.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
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