hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
