I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
