he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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