My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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