You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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