Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
