My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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