ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
